Why I never wrote a blog before, and why I shall never (and why I am!)

The first statement above is incorrect, for it is a falsehood, pure and simple. I had written a blog once, long ago, for the Sulekha Saarang blog festival. As I have famously stated earlier, I write for profit, and not for pleasure. This is based on the simple axiom that the profit supplies the pleasure in copious quantities. Blogs therefore were a strict no-no. They wasted precious minutes that I could have spent reviewing Sullaan, or other such intellectually stimulating movies – which would have, to use an expression, raked in the moolah. But the Sulekha Saarang Blog Fest was a glorious exception. Here was, thought I, an opportunity to make money while blogging.

Motivated by the green eyed monster that passes by the nom de guerre of money (ok ok I know jealousy is the green eyed monster but can I have a little creative license please?), I wrote feverishly, getting up but to walk around in little circles thinking of what I could cook up next. The discerning reader who has followed me this far looks up from the screen at this moment, scratches a thoughtful chin and wonders – did our dashing, gallant hero succeed in this epic struggle of his? Why does he not tell me more? Well, be it never said that Siddhu Warrier snatched the cup from the waiting lips of his readers (if any). Yes, I did win the cash – and in case you decide to join the multitudes clamouring hoarsely for a treat, it would do you good to note that the last time I had given a treat was sometime in 1965. (Good looking women reading this blog – don’t despair - please message me, I’m flush with greenbacks. And if I’m not, I’ll beg/borrow/steal.extort…)

To move on to more pressing issues, I think it is time I clarify my stand on why I never shall write a blog. Here, it must be noted that:

a) the author is an intellectual (though some may like to see a ‘pseudo’ prefixed to that)
b) the author is, most importantly, insane and should not be held culpable for what he says and does
c) if you’re still offended by what follows and decide to sue the author, the author wishes to make it clear – as he has done in the past – that its all Musharaff and the ISI’s doing.

I feel that today there are just too many blogs. Anyone who can type faster than 30 words a minute, can string words together to form (reasonably) coherent sentences, and finally writes something which one would not dismissively wave away as gibberish (at least not immediately) is writing a blog today.

As far as the criteria listed above are concerned, I stand as follows:

a) I can type faster than 30 words a minute. In fact, on last count, it was 55. In fact I can type with my eyes closed or even with my eyes turned up towards the ceiling fan – something which my friends claim I never stop taking about.
b) I passed my English exams in my 10th and 12th standards, and even managed to scrape through with stunning scores in the 60s in my University Examinations. Therefore, I can state with supreme confidence that I meet criterion # 2.
c) Criterion 3 is where the problem lies. Just like in the CAT where I consistently failed to clear a single cut-off – something which has led me unrelentingly down the long road to perdition – I just cannot write sense!

This, dear readers – at least those of you who’ve stuck it this far, is far from being it. There lies, deep within, a reason as a result of which I shirk from putting finger to keyboard.

To put it plainly, ‘когда в Риме, сделайте, поскольку католики делают’, which is Russian (I couldn’t find Latin translators anywhere on the web) for ‘When in rome, does not do like the Romen do’, in case you did not know.

Well…I guess I (and the mentally retarded translator I used) don't have to elucidate any further...

I am one of those people that you read about only in the last pages of gossip rags, the kind whose names are taken in shocked whispers. For I have been scandalous indeed. I have never read (and WILL NOT read) the Da Vinci Code and think that the English Premiere League is a society of politicians. I would have probably written a blog if only another twenty people around the world did so and just another twenty read it. But any activity in which millions of people indulge in with abandon is most definitely passé. In this blacklist would fall several such activities – including watching cricket, K serials, every second division football match and F.R.I.E.N.D.S, listening to Backstreet Boys, reading trash generated in copious quantities by such doyens as Sidney Sheldon and Jeffrey Archer, masturbation (er… maybe not masturbation) and yeah, most scandalously, writing blogs!

Then, why, my faithful readers may ask, do you type this? Are you not desecrating the sanctity of your principles, violating every single precept you claim to stand for, by typing away here?

To answer that, I could fall back upon a stupid dodge I’ve actually heard people use and say, ‘Hey…Just generally, ok..?’ But no, I shall not! I realize that I owe it to whoever is kind enough to read this far into my blog to answer truthfully. And the answer is, well, I’m supposed to be working on a project but I haven’t progressed very far and am too bored to even try. So, I decided to follow rule #1 in the war on boredom:

If thou art bored, thou shalt do somethingst to bore others

That’s explanation enough…

Siddhyor Dostovesky