NightmAir India

It has oft been remarked by the wise in this land that the life of Siddhu Warrier is what one would call fraught with incident. Even I would be the first to agree that a lot more weird things happen around me than it does around most other normal people (not taking into account Rambo, George W Bush and other mentally retarded assholes).

But this one takes the cake.

I type this today sitting inside a cafe at the Chennai airport. At 5:30 in the morning. After not having slept one bit the whole day. All thanks to another one of those PSU white elephants, Air India.

For those who came in late, it was not merely for my amusement that I decided to lock myself up inside the airport, though I wouldn't put it above myself to do so. I was supposed to, today, reach Singapore.

At ten in the night, it appeared to be what one would call smooth sailing - a flight to catch at 0150 hours, a free meal (that would taste bad enough to poison a horse), and lo! before anyone knew what was happening, the unsuspecting populace of Singapore would be inflicted by my presence.

But it was not to be. The first inklings of this disaster were evident at eleven, when my flight was postponed to three thirty. But then that was not something that left me shocked. Air India, after all...

Then, the flight was further postponed to 0415. I decided to try grab as much sleep as I could, given the circumstances. The circumstances being a hard-as-a-rock chair, a boor who was picking his nose and depositing his treasure on my arm rest, and an empty stomach.

Yes, an empty stomach. I was in the unique position of having lots of cash in hand, but being unable to afford even a samosa at what passes for a restaurant at the Madras Airport. All because I forgot to carry a single Indian Rupee with me. And 50 dollar notes do not interest the average shopkeeper, particularly when one's asking for something worth 50 cents.

But then, Air India executed what I would call its masterstroke at around three thirty; just about when I had got used to the snot the prick in the next chair was shooting all around the place. The flight was further postponed to 7 in the morning.

I buttered the CISF people and managed to get out of the area near the gates, and to the area with the duty free shops. Being hungry, I decided to spend 3 dollars! That's 122 rupees!On a packet of Mars, which sucks by the way. But thanks to my profligacy, I have a few one dollar notes that should buy me food in this god-forsaken no-man's land.

Considering I was terribly bored, not to mention in the throes of insomnia, I decided to wash my sorrows away by spending another precious dollar. Just to type all this bullshit on my blog.

And yeah! News flash as of 0515 hours: they've postponed the flight to 0930 hours. A mob consisting of five englishmen, one american woman with a voice shrill enough to crack glass, a Malaysian woman who sounds as masculine as Benazir Bhutto, and fifteen Indians right out of Koyambedu market, are lynching some poor chap from Air India. Poor chap at Air India tries to run away muttering something incoherent, but crowd surround him, cutting off his only escape route.

I watch from outside the security barrier laughing at the plight of the Air India representative with my new cronies from the CISF (Central Industrial Security Force - completely sweet chaps who guard our nation's airports).

As I write this sentence, it looks likely that $1 may rise to $2, so excuse me while I try to ease the fiscal strain on the depleted Warrier coffers...

And pray that I get to Singapore this year. I don't fancy living on the terminal like Tom Hanks.

Maybe that's why I'm not Tom Hanks.

Maybe that's why they didn't ask me to star in Terminal...

But that's definitely not why I am spouting utter nonsense. THAT is because of lack of sleep, boredom and a slight(?) streak of insanity.

If you find this post semantically incoherent, boring or a hundred other negative adjectives, forgive me. I had to do something, and this seemed as good as a thing as any. If you find it funny, wire me money so that I can make good my losses.