Monday, January 10, 2005

People of the year 2004

I have never been considered bright or sharp by anyone I know. In fact, my friends, acquaintainces, teachers and miscellaneous mongrels have been known to speak of me as a rather vapid and irreflective chap. But that hasn’t by a long shot made me immune to the occasional flash of inspiration. These flashes, though few and far between, often result in great things. I have had another flash of inspiration. Though not as flashy as some of the earlier flashes, it’s a rather fruity idea nonetheless.

It struck me when I was reading one of the earlier issues of Time Magazine. For the uninitiated, Time Magazine has this habit of declaring a single person (or persons) the Man of the Year. Their choices in the past have spoken well of their wisdom; like when Adolf Hitler was their man of the year in 1938 (for his efforts to ensure peace in Europe) or the American Soldier in 2003 (for providing countless Iraqis a live demonstration of the very latest genocidal techniques).

Then, it struck me that I could do the unsuspecting world a great disservice by presenting my own Man of the Year awards. On deeper introspection, I realized that I couldn’t present a single award and leave it at that. There were so many people in the past one year that merit a mention. So, without further ado, I bring to you – hotshooottts…(er… sorry, I don’t know how Eminem slunk in here)

1.The DPS Girl

The DPS girl – for want of something better to call her – has had quite a year, by any standards. She started the year by proving that she could unbutton her school shirt faster than most, leaving her competitors struggling with the third button when she rushed onto the next item on the agenda. She also regaled listeners (and viewers) around the world with her witty lines, which had us boors in splits.

The way she estimated the probability of her choking on her breakfast for the day before she actually ended up doing so had intellectuals the world over shocked at her sagacity. The adroitness that her tongue displayed left many with appreciative smiles plastered on their faces. She also proved herself an authority on DTC bus timings, remembering that she had a bus to catch at a time she had lots of other things on her mind (and mouth).

Though her taste in men left lots to be desired – evident from the fact that she failed to look down south at another metro for a much better catch (who didn’t have a camera phone to record her exploits and witticisms) - she has indeed proven herself worthy of this prestigious award.

2.The Indian entrepreneur

This was rather a big year for the Indian entrepreneur. Indians dared to venture where no man had trod before. Though the IIMs claim to have a copyright on training the best enterpreunial minds in India, IITians proved that they didn’t need a PGDM to wheeler-deal with the best of them. This spirit was on display when an IITian found an opportunity to make a profit in the market, created (read downloaded) a product to meet these requirements and took great personal risk to translate this idea of his into a commercially viable product.

Though he did not receive the remuneration he expected, he has been relieved of the burden of having to pay his college tuition fees ever again. He has also been granted free accommodation in one of the Indian Government’s finest and best guarded establishments. He has also placed himself on par with several other luminaries like Avnish Bajaj and the Shankaracharya of Kanchi. (He is also responsible for the fact that the Vinod Gupta School of Management, IIT Kharagpur moved up several notches in most B-School Rankings)

3.Abu Gharib

Abu Gharib gave close competition to the DPS girl in the race for the Siddhu Person #1 of the year 2004. But mainly owing to the fact that she was a lot prettier than Abu Gharib and could do things that the building couldn’t possibly dream of doing, Abu Gharib was pushed down to a lowly third.

The American Army did to Abu Gharib what Saddam Hussein could not do in 40 years – made it the rallying point for sadists, masochists and miscellaneous perverts from all over the world.

Thailand cried foul at this intrusion into what was previously their forte. Prostitutes from Bangkok to Boston took to the streets protesting that all their clients with ‘different’ tastes had enlisted in the US army, leaving them in the lurch. Guantanamo Bay, which had been the average US Army sadist’s favorite destination till then, lost its sheen with everyone from the commandant downward vying to join the party at Abu Gharib.

Abu Gharib’s doors were left wide open for anyone who wished to walk in. All your average masochist, whose greatest desire is to receive his daily electric shock and whipping, had to do was walk around with a Kalashnikov or a Koran (both WMDs, according to the liberators) and look Arab. In most cases however, the first requirement was waived. Those handicapped by reasons of ethnicity could always call themselves Mullah Mohammed Omar to avail themselves of a seat…

This about wraps it up for this year, folks. Wish all of you a happy new year…

Note: All of us are of course cognizant of who the real person of the year 2004 is – moi! But us modest blokes don’t believe in letting the veil of modesty slip… ;-)

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