People belonging to (hitherto) Forward Castes are hereby ordered to wear big yellow bands on their arms to identify themselves.
Additionally, all Hindus are, by immediate effect, ordered to return their passports to the nearest passport office, as stipulated by the Promotion of Secularism by Minority Appeasement (POSMA) Act, 2019.
Hindus are also hereby ordered - in the name of stamping out communalism, promoting brotherhood, making the minorities feel safer, and erasing any vestiges of self-respect they may still retain - to drop their head and stare fixatedly at their big toes when:
(a) Greeting one of our brethren belonging to a minority community.
(b) Walking past a place of worship of the minorities.
Anyone found in violation of the above will be punished to the severest extent possible under the regulations of the Anti-BJP Act, 2015.
The first category of people are henceforth allowed only to work as (a) sweepers, (b) scavengers, or (c) unemployed wastrels. However, the number of FC sweepers, scavengers or unemployed must not exceed 10% - as the remaining is reserved for Scheduled Castes (SC)/Scheduled Tribes (ST)/Backward Castes (ST)/Other Backward Castes (OBC)/Most Backward Castes (MBC)/Forgotten Backward Castes (FBC)/Somewhat Retarded Classes (SRC)/Slightly Backward Castes (SBC)/members of religious minorities/Communists/Assorted Hippies. Those unable to find work within the restrictions imposed by the quotas in the name of secularism and social justice are required to report to the nearest Police Station for rehabilation at the friendly neighbourhood concentration camp.
Exceptions will be granted on a case-by-case basis upon receipt of a written application to the office of the Secularism Service (SS). The application, accompanied by all your worldly belongings and your first born, should be addressed to the head of the SS, Smt. Edda Gandhi nee Mussolini, or to the Deputy Prime Minister Shri Ottavio Quattrochi (Bharat Ratna).
Please refer Annexure A for a complete list of places where entry of the (erstwhile) Forward Castes is forbidden, and a subset of the same which applies to all Hindus.
Annexure B contains information on the basic rules of servile deportment to be followed by the majority community to promote communal amity.
- By Order of the Government of the Is...oops...Secular Republic of India
The Communal harmony armband. Any resemblance to the Yellow armbands the Nazis asked the Jews to wear is completely coincidental, unless one takes into account the fact that all we did was paint over the old Nazi armbands.
The Secularism Service - a public service organization dedicated to educating the majority about secularism, tolerance and non-violence by the use of gratituous amounts of violence. (Image courtesy Herr Heinrich Himmler)
This was quite obviously an exaggeration, as Edda Mussolini is definitely not a Gandhi.
Upon reading this, the cry would ring out around the country, "Somebody call the comrades! Communalist on the loose".
In seemingly unrelated news, a minister in an Indian state would issue a fatwa offering a reward of 51 rupees for whoever serves a plate of crispy, fried Siddhu noodles at his breakfast table.
The comrades would come running, can of the purest sunflower oil on the ready to set the intolerant communalist alight.
Comrade Tamaraikannan Khruschev would exclaim to Arundhati Roy/Teesta Setalvad/random upper-class armchair secularist with an unbearably shrill voice,
"A good toasting would teach (whatever remains of) him the meaning of secularism. The vermin!",
"Oh yes, oh yes!! What fun! I haven't burnt a communalist alive in so long. All in the name of secularism, Gandhianism and ahimsma, of course", the armchair secularist would squeal (possibly to the NDTV cameraman running by her side, covering this latest action by the patriotic secular brigade to keep the nation safe for Bangladeshi immigrants and Pakistani terrorists).
And with a sprightly, cheerful "Mahatma Gandhi ki Jai", they would set this intrepid writer on fire (and collect the 51 rupees the next morning).
April 12, 2006: Two temples are set ablaze in Saudi Arabia. When asked why, Mullah Ahmed bin Laden, minister for promotion of vice and prevention of virtue, said, "Siddhu fatwa fatwa jihad jihad kafir jihad" (Translation: Oh nothing, really! We are just celebrating the death of a communalist and the resurgence of Wahabi...I mean, secularism)
April 15, 2006: The Opposition stages a walkout amid stormy scenes in Parliament demanding the setting up of an inquiry commission headed by a retired Justice to probe into the death.
June 15, 2006: The inquiry commission's report concludes, "It is hence clear that, in spite of 2,500 people being witness to the secularist and the communist setting the worthless creature named Siddhu Warrier ablaze, that the creature caught fire due to a gas cylinder explosion. In any case, he was a communal person from the majority community and his death doesn't matter."
June 16, 2006: The Opposition stages a walkout amid stormy scenes in Parliament regarding the tabling of the commission's report.
July 16, 2006: The Opposition walks out of parliament demanding that Lalloo Prasad trim the three long strands of hair sprouting out of his ears. But that's not part of this enchanting little story, is it?
Legal Disclaimer: This post is intended as a satirical work of fiction. Any resemblance to any person or persons - living, dead, or being burnt to death in a second class train compartment in Godhra - is completely coincidental and unintentional. The views expressed by the author here are not even his own, and he seeks refuge in Article 19 of the Constitution of the Republic of India, the Bill of Rights issued by the parliament of the United Kingdom in 1689, and the Universal Declaration of Human Rights.
Additionally, this article is not meant to offend any living or dead person, nor incite anger or hatred against people of a particular religious or ethnic community. The author believes in the equality of all men and does not believe in discrimnation against, or promotion of discrimination against any particular community. Discrimination in the author's view includes favours, including but not restricted to policies of affirmative action meant to favour one community over another. Thus, the crux of this article is a peaceful, non-seditious request to the government of the Republic of India to treat all of its citizens, irrespective of caste, creed, religion or place of birth, equally.
If none of the above works, can somebody please tell me where I can get an air ticket to Cuba?